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me

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me

February 14, 2020

I don’t want to write about me.

I don’t want to share me.

I’m afraid you won’t like me.

Some days I don’t even like me.

How’s that for a REAL moment? Too REAL? I think one of the reasons I’ve been struggling to write is because what I believe God is calling me to write and what I actually want to write are two very different things. But when I think about it, that’s how many of us exist: in a world where we are being called to more while our feet desperately try to stay planted in the comfort of less…because we know and understand less, and because more is simply incomprehensible, having not yet experienced it’s glory.

So here is just a glimpse of me: tear-filled eyes me, no make up me, hair a mess me, not ready to face the day me, REAL me…

…hoping I’m enough, for you, as I desperately try to pull my heels from the less ground and onto His more calling.

Are you brave enough to join me?

Self Care

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Self Care

January 3, 2020

REA/L Moment: yesterday was a migraine day. Woke up, holding my head, feeling awful, only to throw the sheets back, run to the bathroom, and proceeded to uncontrollably heave repeatedly into the toilet. Spent the rest of the day fighting waves of nausea, a pounding head, and supreme guilt that I simply wasn’t living up to my “mom duties” for the day.

Flash forward to this morning. Woke up exhausted, having only gotten a few hours of sleep (again), but functioning. Completed morning “mom duties,” returned home, and faced a decision. Should I lay my tired body back down, hopefully getting some additional sleep, or should I just suck it up and start knocking things off my list? The decision came easily, and remarkably, shame-free: I slept.

And that, my friends, is self care. I wanted to feel good today instead of having another set back, so I did the smart thing and took care of myself. Our current culture may shout “self care,” but in the same breath, shamefully look down their noses at us with distain for such an act of “laziness.” Not only is this added “guilt” associated with self care unhelpful, it’s all together unhealthy!

So in my REA/L moment with you today, consider this: on multiple occasions Jesus, withdrew, and went off by Himself to pray, to rest, to recharge so He could continue doing good work. We are made in His image; therefore, there are times we too need to spend time by ourselves to pray, rest, and recharge. This is not shameful or lazy in the least! It is being respectful of our bodies, where His Holy Spirit resides. Let’s stop listening to the lies the world paints as truths. Let’s start diving more into His word for actual truth. Let’s live a life worthy of the one we’ve been called to!

Transparent Part 3

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Transparent Part 3

Where do you place your worth?

Here is what the world tells you about worth: He who dies with the most toys, wins. Go big or go home. Buy this and it will make you happy, healthy, better, irresistible. You must look, sound, act this way so you will be liked. Followers equals friends. The list endlessly continues…

If you believe these “worldly wisdoms,” you will never reach the tranquility that is transparency because you will never be or have “enough.” Period. There will always be someone with more. There will always be a count or measure of worth in which the numbers never end and you will never reach.

Now, here is what the Bible says about your worth:

“Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?” (Matthew 6:26 NIV).

Need it in modern-day language? Here you go…

“If you decide for God, living a life of God-worship, it follows that you don’t fuss about what’s on the table at mealtimes or whether the clothes in your closet are in fashion. There is far more to your life than the food you put in your stomach, more to your outer appearance than the clothes you hang on your body. Look at the birds, free and unfettered, not tied down to a job description, careless in the care of God. And you count far more to him than birds” (Matthew 6:25-26 MSG).

Careless in the care of God. Can you imagine? Being loved and cared for completely, transparently, gracefully, and generously…my sweet friend, that’s EXACTLY where you are right now! The problem is, even for Christians, while we may know this, we do not live like this. We do not allow it to permeate our thoughts, words, actions. We do not place our worth in the care of God. Instead, we let the world wield it’s way within the confines of our hearts and minds, causing us shame. We think we don’t have “enough” and therefore will never be enough. We cover our shame and insecurity masquerading around, looking for the Jones’, attempting to keep up with an ever moving target. How utterly ridiculous is that? What kind of life is that?

When you consider that all the hairs on your head are know and created by God (Luke 12:7), when you realize you were purposefully placed in this exact time and space (Romans 9:717), when you accept the fact that you are very good (Genesis 1:31), then transparency becomes much easier because your worth is in His hands. If we were to measure ourselves using God’s grace, we would realize we are more precious than gold. We could stop the pretenses since there would be no need for them. We could actually be transparent. Clear, without obstruction, permeable, frank.

“Nothing in all the world can be hidden from God. Everything is clear and lies open before him.” (Hebrews 4:13 ICB).

Do not be afraid of transparency, my friend. It’s healthy, cathartic, and grace-filled. When you place your trust in Him, you can rely on whom He sends. This earth will never be perfect but know our God always is just that…the perfecter of all. Transparency is shame-free when your worth is viewed through His lens.

So I ask you, where do you place your worth? Is it yielding the return you are investing? Does it provide you peace? Make you feel adequately loved? Are you able to live carelessly in the care of God? This is what transparency brings…living beyond what the world dictates. I invite you to join me on this journey towards tranquility and all the joy it brings, because you are worth it!

Transparent Part 2

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Transparent Part 2

January 23, 2020

“When I am afraid, I put my trust in you. I trust God, so I am not afraid of what people can do to me! I praise God for his promise to me” (Psalm 56:3-4 ERV).

The primary barrier to transparency is trust. Without trust, our fears are fueled. Without trust, our doubts drum out reasoning. Without trust, we grasp onto whatever “lifeline” is within reach, whether or not it’s life giving and grounded.

So here’s the slippery slope: people are fallible. Humans are bent towards sin. We, including me, will not always get it right. Only God is completely trustworthy, fulfilling all His promises. HOWEVER, God created mankind in His image. God knew we would not be able to navigate this fallen world alone. God, in His infinite wisdom, directs others to implement His plans here.

Simply put, we need each other. We need to share how/what we feel. We need to trust others with our burdens. We need to accept the fact that we not only cannot but aren’t supposed to do this alone!

Jesus told His disciples, “Very truly I tell you, whoever accepts anyone I send accepts me; and whoever accepts me accepts the one who sent me” (John 13:20 NIV).

Transparency requires trust.

Trust in Him.

Trust in His plans.

Trust in whom He sends.

Trust is a two way street. We must share and speak truth with others. Truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

We cannot dilute how we truly feel and expect others to see through it onto the underlying root cause . Likewise, we must speak truth with kindness and grace, inviting Him into the situation, because God only knows us completely.

Which brings us back to the question, why do we find it so difficult to operate in love, transparency, and grace-filled generosity?

I don’t have the definitive answer or magic formula on how to get there…and that’s the transparent, honest truth. I struggle too. However, I am working towards putting my trust in Him, which I have to remind myself of daily. I have to spend time in His Word, be cognizant of what/whom I’m listening to, and trust my Abba will ordain the day’s activities. I have to amend my canned “I’m ok” response, when anything could be further from the truth. I have to allow others in, so the junk can be thrown out, and together, we are able to move on. That’s all any of us can do on our journey towards transparency. Trust.

Transparent

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Transparent

January 17, 2020

Clear, without obstruction, permeable, frank.

These are not words usually associated with humans because we are anything but the sort. We deflect, conceal, confuse, sometimes repulse. We push down our regrets, bury ourselves in guilt, and carry shame around our necks like a noose so transparency gets choked out. Truth—the good, the bad, the ugly—too complicated to reveal. Not because we don’t want to…no, because what it allows: a front row, all access pass to see the show that is our lives.

That may seem melodramatic, even a bit depressing, but think about it for a moment. When is the last time you willingly shared a no hold barred conversation with someone? Have you ever? Would you even be able to? Allow someone to intimately know the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth? All of you—raw and unfiltered. And then make eye contact with that person again?

While we all want to be known, we don’t want to pay the price of transparency. It is non-refundable. It is expensive. It is painful…or so we believe.

What if I told you you were already there, paid in full, pain-free, and proclaimed very good in full transparency? How would your life be altered? Where would put your regret, guilt, and shame? Would you box and keep it, just in case this new “transparency thing” wasn’t all it’s cracked up to be? If you were fully known, and still unconditionally loved, there wouldn’t be a reason to hang on to those cords any longer. Your bondage would be severed, and you would be free.

El Roi, the God who sees.

El Shaddai, God Almighty.

Emmanuel, God with us.

This is who transparently sees every thought, every move, every breath we take. And out of His great love for us, He gives us this gift called life along with opportunity to choose how we navigate it. Like Adam and Eve, we sin, yet through His generosity, we still see the light of the next day. We are surrounded by a multitude of His creations, meant for good. He is completely transparent in how much He loves us. Why do we find it so difficult to operate in this manner? In love, transparency, generosity?

We’ll talk more about this soon…until then, please meditate on this scripture.

“Nothing in all the world can be hidden from God. Everything is clear and lies open before him. And to him we must explain the way we have lived” (Hebrews 4:13 ICB).

Risky Business

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Risky Business

January 14, 2020

Expertly engineered, it stood expectantly awaiting what came next. It’s purpose? To ignite and unite a multi-generation community, ushering in hope through its brilliant display. A beacon that would burn for hours through the night, into the next day. Its light not easily extinguished. If you’ve never experienced an Aggie bonfire, it’s truly an experience to behold.

We are made in similar fashion: skillfully created, never identically duplicated, with a specifically planned purpose waiting ignition. Once our fires are ablaze, purpose set into motion, we become beacons, offering hope, community, and possibility to others. But here’s the million dollar question: Will you allow yourself to be used and fulfill your purpose?

It’s risky business living out loud, on purpose. Someone will always have a comment about how or what they would have done differently. Someone will always question your motive or means. Someone will always try to knock you down, just for the fun of it. It’s risky business being on display, but without risk there is no reward.

Our greater purpose will not be achieved within our comfort zone. Period. Why? Because we would not have stretched far enough for anyone else to benefit. Our greater purpose involves more than just us! “God has given each of you a gift from His great variety of spiritual gifts. Use them well to serve one another” (1 Peter 4:10 NLT).

Your gift, your purpose, is unique unto you, but it is not meant exclusively for you alone. You, my friend, were made for more. Through the power of His spirit, you are called to be a light unto the darkness of this world. You are created to be seen so others may glorify Him. Stop hiding, tucked firmly under your comfort zone blanket, hoping you won’t upset the apple cart, and praying you can make it through the day unnoticed!

“My dear friends, stand firm and don’t be shaken. Always keep busy working for the Lord. You know that everything you do for Him is worthwhile” (1 Corinthians 15:58 CEV).

Some may say it’s risky business serving the Lord, working to fulfill His purpose, allowing others to plainly see. It’s risky operating under “that kind of pressure.” It’s risky being transparently vulnerable. What if I fail? What if people think I’m crazy? What if I’m not 100% sure of my purpose? What then?

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and He will make your paths straight” (Proverbs 3:5-6 NIV).

Obediently trusting Him is always worthwhile, anything else is risky business.

GOOD

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GOOD

January 11, 2020

When you think “good,” what comes to mind? Something you enjoy? Something to helpful? Something comforting? Certainly not something difficult, right? How could that be “good?”

I am coming to terms with this concept of “good.” His goodness. Goodness that may not initially feel “good” but is good for me nonetheless. That’s not human nature, though, is it? We want what we want, when we want it, and how we want it. Think about how many ways you can personalize your Whataburger or Starbucks! And if it’s available to us, why shouldn’t we?

“For everything God created is good, and nothing is to be rejected if it is received with thanksgiving,” (1 Timothy 4:4 NIV).

THIS is where we get in trouble. We take bits of scripture and morph them to soot our “needs.” Read the scripture again…go ahead, I’ll wait…

It says “for everything GOD created is good” (emphasis added). It does NOT say everything IS good. It also says to receive with thanksgiving. Gratitude seems to be in short supply these days, especially if we do not think what we receive is “good,” which brings me back to this concept of His goodness.

Personally, I seem to be maneuvering from one unusual situation into another. This can get exhausting and utterly deflating. It’s easy to get swallowed up and wallow in a “what have I done to deserve this” mentality. Or “God must think I’m a real bad ass” mindset. Neither is healthy. Nor could they be further from the truth. I think we need a new framework in which to filter “good.”

God

Ordained

Opportunity

Development

GOOD, in this case, is from Him and should be received with thanksgiving. It may not look or feel like “good” in the moment, but God was never meant to be our servant. El Shaddai (God Almighty), yes. El Roi (God who sees), yes. Yahweh Yireh (God Provides), yes. God the “magic genie in the bottle whom we can beckon in a moment’s notice and have our wish granted,” no. Sounds ridiculous seeing it in print, and yet, that’s exactly how a majority of us expect God to operate. Not only is this not good, it’s completely narcissistic, unrealistic and just plain bad!

So today, as I have no voice and am unable to speak in the literal sense, I am faced with a choice. I can choose to let the devil roam around the playground of my mind and allow him to run amuck with his lies, doubting God’s presence within me…OR, I can, with thanksgiving, identify this moment as GOOD. God Ordained Opportunity Development.

Truth be told, this is hard for my extroverted-self to comprehend, let alone apply, without the ability to vocally communicate in a very populated setting all weekend, but I’m trying. I’m praying for an extra portion of grace. I’m breathing and mentally framing my current frustrating situation, as best I can, as GOOD.

The “Doing” Drug

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The “Doing” Drug

January 8, 2020

It’ll be different this year, I tell myself. I fervently prayed for revelation of my 2020 focus word (obedient). I will not be seduced by its addictive high. It’ll be different this year. I will remain open to His plan, center on what He desires of me, obey His still voice within. But that sweet siren’s song beckons me…my eyes are drawn to the cluttered counter, laundry piled on the couch waiting to be folded, Christmas still prominently displayed all over the house…the list accumulates. I begin doing, unaware of the intoxication power each completed task, and subsequent added undertaking, holds. I am, once again, hooked and enslaved by the “doing” drug.

It was obvious from a young age that I’m a Martha. A “go to,” “get it done” girl. I’ve always enjoyed being called upon to complete a job. It makes me feel important. And I’m good at it, the “doing.” I excel when given tasks and a deadline. I make sacrifices to ensure whatever project or event comes to fruition, appearing to having it all under control…because that’s part of the gig. I have to make it seem like it was no big deal. I don’t want anyone to see me as unable or weak. Been there, done that when I was physically not capable and certainly don’t want to be back in that boat, thank you very much!

This is NOT obedience, and I full well know it!

But the “high” that comes with the doing drug, crashes over me like a tidal wave. I am sucked into the riptide, pulled back again and again until my body is worn by its crushing weight. In my “Martha” frenzy, or truthfully addition, I become weak and worn. My judgement becomes clouded, which frustrates the daylights out of me. I end up crashing, like an addict who’s had too much. Shut down rapidly and unexpectedly, like my iPhone when I’ve neglected it too long.

What’s your drug of choice? Is it “doing” like me? Is it binge watching? Is it eating? What temporarily soothes you till you are comfortably numb? What takes away the ache? What silences those feelings? THAT’S your drug, your addiction. It’s intoxicating powers do not last, and at some point, we all come down off our high. Here, before our next “fix,” is where we have a choice. Do we allow ourselves to be swept up again in this cyclical battle? Or do decide ENOUGH?! While our war wounds are not visible to others, it does not take away the pain we feel. It does not remove the scars that have accumulated. It is the unseen strife that we wrestle with daily, on top of whatever else the day brings. Cue the infamous words of SNL’s Church Lady, “Well, isn’t that just special…”

I see you, my friend. I struggle too. My brain and body feel so battered, it’s simply easier to keep this ball rolling than to change tracks. My prayer, in confessing this to you, is that you will not feel alone. Maybe in sharing our weak moments, we can become stronger together.

“Though one may be overpowered,
two can defend themselves.
A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.”
(Ecclesiastes 4:12 NIV)

My sweet oldest claimed this as “The Year of REA/L” for me along with Exodus 13:13: “The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.” In those moments, breathe with me. Know that He IS fighting for you. Know that you are not alone. Know that you have a friend in me.

Soon, you will see a “prayer services” tab on the web site. It would be my privilege, if you feel comfortable in sharing, to pray with and for you. Sometimes all it takes is speaking out those strongholds to free you from their entanglement. I see you, my friend. And I am here to listen…

Perfection

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Perfection

December 10, 2019

Have you ever liked the idea of doing something rather than the actual doing? Take Christmas cookies, for example. My college roommate and I have a tradition of getting together, a couple days before Christmas, and baking dozens of cookies in a multitude of variety. I say “we,” but it’s actually me. I do all the baking and she does the pulling, cooling, decorating, and transportation to our “finished” table. Since the arrival of our respective children, the kids have taken over the decorating, as well as the sprinkle/frosting explosion that inevitably happens.

Now don’t get me wrong, I do so enjoy our time together. I look forward to our annual “Cookie Day.” It’s a favored tradition in my family, after all! But if I’m honest, after about the 5th hour of baking, I’m plain exhausted. I look around at the colossal mess that’s taken over my kitchen, and I think, “why can’t we make this simpler?” Every. Year.

As I sit in a doctor’s office writing this while patiently (or not so) waiting for my turn, I begin thinking about the things I still need to do in order to make this day happen, and wonder why I exhaust myself planning, preparing, and making the myriad of treats so I can present the “perfect” plate of cookies? Why do I allow myself to work till I am absolutely worn, only to feel completely drained on the subsequent days of celebration? Why do I choose to keep up the pretense that “I’m fine,” starting on the next batch, when nothing is further from the truth?

The REA/L answer? Vanity. I don’t want anyone to think less of me if their favorite isn’t on that plate. I don’t want my neighbors to wonder why they didn’t receive their goodies this year. And frankly, I don’t want to admit that this Mom is tired of trying to making things “perfect.”

Perfect is a four letter word. It’s actually seven, but you know what I mean. Nothing is “perfect” this side of Heaven. Period. Then why do we debilitate ourselves striving for the impossible? Seriously, what’s the point?

I’m not sure where you are in this season that’s meant to be joyous, but can we agree to stop the madness and be intentional about things that actually matter? Can we commit to being present instead of pretending to be perfect? Can we refrain from getting wrapped up in how things look like and focus more on what’s genuinely important? Our friends and families care more about the giver (that’s US) than any gift they receive. So does our Savior…and since it’s His birth we honor in the coming weeks, doesn’t it just make sense to be obedient in our adoration of Him instead of things? Acknowledge His perfection. Spend time adoring Him. Prepare our hearts for His arrival. More Mary than Martha (see Luke 10: 38-42).

Let’s be intentionally present.

Let’s not lose the gift of today.

Let’s actually be merry this Christmas!

And in the doing, my friend, we will be able to truly rejoice together in all the beautiful things He gives us, not only in this season, but in each day we are afforded.

Faith

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Faith

December 8, 2019

I know a man who is battling cancer, though on a good day, his smile and infectious laughter will illuminate the room brighter than a Christmas tree.

I know a woman, who is battling real-flesh demons, in the form of family, though she will stop and fiercely pray for you as if she hadn’t a care in the world.

I know a child, who is battling through mental health issues, though you’d never know as she grabs your hand and invites you to join her game.

I bet you also know someone battling something…it may even be you. But let me share this truth with you: courage can be found in the midst of every battle. Suffering cannot snuff out hope, belief in a better life. Assurance in something more, bigger than the battle. It’s called faith.

Faith is so much more than religion. Faith is confidence. “Faith makes us sure of what we hope for and gives us proof of what we cannot see” (Hebrews 11:1 CEV). Faith is the bridge that allows us passage through our battles. Faith, though not tangible, is what we must cling to as it carries us onto a place of courage.

Courage for the next breath.

Courage for the next step.

Courage for the smile we wear, even and especially when we feel there’s nothing joyous about what we are battling.

Through faith, we can still call ourselves courageous instead of victims. We still have something we can offer. We still have worth. We still can contribute. We simply need to hold faith as our evidence.

What are you holding onto, my friend?

If it’s not faith, release it so you will receive this gift. It will not only change your life, but in the receiving, you will be given the opportunity to share. You will experience unspeakable joy, within the heart of your battle, as you share your faith. You will give another the gift of hope. And that, my friend, is worth holding on to…