Tag: Pray

Let go

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Let go

It’s hard, being back at the hospital, though I’m not the one in the bed this time.

It’s hard, watching her lie there, not the same person from two weeks let alone a few months ago.

It’s hard, coaxing her to do the things she’d previously done independently, navigating things she shouldn’t now.

“Do you think God is punishing me” she shakily whispers–eyes closed, hand cupping her pale furled forehead. My heart breaks for her as I say, “No Mama. He is a good father, a loving, benevolent God. You have done nothing wrong. Your body is just fighting you.”

We’ve all been there. Why is this happening? What did I do? How can He let me suffer like this? I call her pastor on speaker, who also rebukes her misaligned thought.

Some might think this desperate plea is a lack of faith–I reject this as well. Whereas the words may indicate some sort of malice on God’s part, I believe this is an invitation for Him to draw nearer. The realization of our human helplessness. Our parched souls crying out for His super natural intervention when the well is empty.

‘Turn your ear to me,
    come quickly to my rescue;
be my rock of refuge,
    a strong fortress to save me.
Be merciful to me, Lord, for I am in distress;
    my eyes grow weak with sorrow,
    my soul and body with grief.”

Psalm 31:2, 9 NIV

When we are at the point of utter despair, we have maxed out our limit. Our last fingerhold no longer able to bear the weight of the situation. We grasp for something, anything, to rescue us. Alas, we are impatient creatures. Our need for immediacy eclipses all.

I have experienced this in my own journey–more times than I care to admit. It feels like a chasm separates me from Him as I fall further and further into the void. Where are you Lord? Why have you forsaken me? Again, not a condemnation, rather a line cast out into the universe.

And He answers. Every. Single. Time. It may not be in the manner or as expeditiously as we’d like; however, He is there. Waiting to catch you as you release your will and fall into His arms, which have been there the whole time. When it happens, it likely won’t be a cinema-inspired scene, inspirational musical swelling as sunlight floods through the parting clouds. We live IRL.

I started typing hours ago, in between the barrage of “normal” hospital interruptions, and here are the “cliff notes.” There was a push to prematurely discharge her (thankfully not in a life or death situation), but that might bring into context the “is God punishing me” since we truly weren’t outta the woods yet. In come her nurse, case manager, PT–in rapid fire succession, all supporting the decision not to ship her out. We work together, and lo and behold, there’s a “miraculous” shift in the right direction. God is so faithful!

There are many reasons to love Psalm 31. But while reading chapter 2 for the above pulled reference, verse 5 struck me.

“Into your hands I commit my spirit;
    deliver me, Lord, my faithful God.”

Psalm 31:5

The words tickled my brain. I’ve heard this before in a different context. I go searching…here’s what I found. Jesus, before His last breath on the cross, said a variation of this as well (Luke 23:46). God incarnate, who was in a life or death situation, after also asking why have you forsaken me, let go and fell into His awaiting arms. He was human. He questioned. Then He committed His spirit unto the Lord. If this doesn’t show us how questioning isn’t a lack of faith, I’m not sure what does.

God is omnipresent, never leaves us, regardless of how many times we may feel separate from Him.

So in my REA/L moment with you today, I’m going to ask you to do something uncomfortable. Let go.

Let go of circumstances that seem out of your control.

Let go of what was so you can receive and rejoice in what is.

Let go of your immediacy expectations and rest in the assurance of His perfect timing.

He’s patiently waiting for you. The process is painful, for you both. Let go, my friend, and let Him.

In Jesus’ name, Amen

WTH

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WTH

The music is intentionally louder than normal—something I can control, meant to drown out my thoughts. While I’m usually pretty good at wrangling them, today they are running wild. Lack of sleep further spurs their disobedience.

I am fully aware my behavior does not align with scripture and goes against 2 Corinthians 10:6 where we are called to “take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.” However today…today I am thick with emotion. While 1 Peter 5:7 bids me to “cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you,” I cannot. I desperately want to. It would be better for me if I would. My heart just doesn’t seem to remember these scriptures I’ve inscribed because it’s broken, and I feel numb. My lips profess “I’m fine,” but a more accurate statement is “I will be fine.”

Today, however, everything about me reads “NO!” Eyes down to avoid contact, AirPods indicate preoccupation, softly spoken minimal words imply conversation not welcome. I even told a friend “no thank you” when she called, could tell something was obviously off, and asked if I wanted to talk (which, for the record, I texted shortly afterwards and apologized if I seemed rude). Saying “NO” is something I can do, something I can control, especially when it feels like the rug has been pulled out from under me. I’m Alice, falling down the rabbit hole, clueless of how far it goes or what happens next.

Some might wonder, WTH?! Is she gonna spit it out or what? Again I say, no…or at least not yet. It’s too personal. Too close. And frankly, I’m too raw. In the midst of all these “too’s,” my heart cannot take another “this too shall pass.” I’m afraid one more might make me snap and say something awful that I don’t really mean.

So why in the world am I even writing this if I’m not going to share what’s going on? Because I don’t need to in order to ask for your prayers. My heart can only bear clinging to this singular scripture in its brokenness…

“And the Holy Spirit helps us in our weakness. For example, we don’t know what God wants us to pray for. But the Holy Spirit prays for us with groanings that cannot be expressed in words. And the Father who knows all hearts knows what the Spirit is saying, for the Spirit pleads for us believers in harmony with God’s own will.”

Romans 8:26-27 NLT

Thank you for listening. Hopefully, when you see me, you’ll understand my no thank you. Better yet, prayerfully I’ll no longer take up residence there.

Unspoken

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Unspoken

One of the primary reasons I started writing Let’s Get REAL Together was to share scriptural truths. To encourage. To stomp ugly lies that fly about with Biblical truths. But also to share my own battles and anxieties in the hope that you might identify on some level. Then together, we could find comfort in His Word, which brings me to today…

Cancer is a horrible evil. It eats its host as well as the entire family. It feels like a death sentence upon diagnosis, especially when it’s given the added insult of “Stage 4.”

I think it’s safe to say that we have all either known someone who has battled cancer or fought it themselves. You might see chemo posts, or best case scenario, a smile victoriously ringing the bell. But here is what you don’t see…the unspoken.

The vomiting.

The loss of bowels.

The grey skin over shriveling body.

The loss of recognition for loved ones.

The combative, inconsolable confusion accompanying overwhelming pain.

This is the unspoken. This is the omitted part, reserved solely for parents, spouses, or loved ones brave enough to endure the burden of primary care giver. This is the bitter pill that must be choked down before (prayerfully) a glorious homecoming.

No pamphlet or book can prepare you for this. This is a horror show that no one wants to see. And yet, this is the unspoken reality for many…

It’s easy for an outsider to ask “why.” Offer “have you tried” advice. Question decisions. I fall into this category because I don’t understand this disease, which makes me feel helpless. All I see is the shell of a man I once knew. Feel fierce longing for one last bear hug. Desperate for one more impromptu dance. Hear his velvet baritone voice sing my name.

To those who have traveled a similar path, my heart aches for you.

To you reading this today, the next time you see or hear someone asking for prayer, do it. Right then and there. You don’t need the intimate details. Receive the unspoken request. Intercede on their behalf. Lay their burden at His feet. Then ask if you can hug them. They might need to feel His love in a tangible way. Be His hands and feet.

To my warrior friends, please echo my unspoken prayer.

“Also, we can really trust God to help us when we turn to Him. We know that He will hear us. When we ask for anything that He wants us to have, He listens to us.”

1 John 5:14 EASY