Let's Get REAL Together

Let go

June 17, 2026by 4letsgetrealtogetherLeave a Comment

It’s hard, being back at the hospital, though I’m not the one in the bed this time.

It’s hard, watching her lie there, not the same person from two weeks let alone a few months ago.

It’s hard, coaxing her to do the things she’d previously done independently, navigating things she shouldn’t now.

“Do you think God is punishing me” she shakily whispers–eyes closed, hand cupping her pale furled forehead. My heart breaks for her as I say, “No Mama. He is a good father, a loving, benevolent God. You have done nothing wrong. Your body is just fighting you.”

We’ve all been there. Why is this happening? What did I do? How can He let me suffer like this? I call her pastor on speaker, who also rebukes her misaligned thought.

Some might think this desperate plea is a lack of faith–I reject this as well. Whereas the words may indicate some sort of malice on God’s part, I believe this is an invitation for Him to draw nearer. The realization of our human helplessness. Our parched souls crying out for His super natural intervention when the well is empty.

‘Turn your ear to me,
    come quickly to my rescue;
be my rock of refuge,
    a strong fortress to save me.
Be merciful to me, Lord, for I am in distress;
    my eyes grow weak with sorrow,
    my soul and body with grief.”
Psalm 31:2, 9 NIV

When we are at the point of utter despair, we have maxed out our limit. Our last fingerhold no longer able to bear the weight of the situation. We grasp for something, anything, to rescue us. Alas, we are impatient creatures. Our need for immediacy eclipses all.

I have experienced this in my own journey–more times than I care to admit. It feels like a chasm separates me from Him as I fall further and further into the void. Where are you Lord? Why have you forsaken me? Again, not a condemnation, rather a line cast out into the universe.

And He answers. Every. Single. Time. It may not be in the manner or as expeditiously as we’d like; however, He is there. Waiting to catch you as you release your will and fall into His arms, which have been there the whole time. When it happens, it likely won’t be a cinema-inspired scene, inspirational musical swelling as sunlight floods through the parting clouds. We live IRL.

I started typing hours ago, in between the barrage of “normal” hospital interruptions, and here are the “cliff notes.” There was a push to prematurely discharge her (thankfully not in a life or death situation), but that might bring into context the “is God punishing me” since we truly weren’t outta the woods yet. In come her nurse, case manager, PT–in rapid fire succession, all supporting the decision not to ship her out. We work together, and lo and behold, there’s a “miraculous” shift in the right direction. God is so faithful!

There are many reasons to love Psalm 31. But while reading chapter 2 for the above pulled reference, verse 5 struck me.

“Into your hands I commit my spirit;
deliver me, Lord, my faithful God.”
Psalm 31:5

The words tickled my brain. I’ve heard this before in a different context. I go searching…here’s what I found. Jesus, before His last breath on the cross, said a variation of this as well (Luke 23:46). God incarnate, who was in a life or death situation, after also asking why have you forsaken me, let go and fell into His awaiting arms. He was human. He questioned. Then He committed His spirit unto the Lord. If this doesn’t show us how questioning isn’t a lack of faith, I’m not sure what does.

God is omnipresent, never leaves us, regardless of how many times we may feel separate from Him.

So in my REA/L moment with you today, I’m going to ask you to do something uncomfortable. Let go.

Let go of circumstances that seem out of your control.

Let go of what was so you can receive and rejoice in what is.

Let go of your immediacy expectations and rest in the assurance of His perfect timing.

He’s patiently waiting for you. The process is painful, for you both. Let go, my friend, and let Him.

In Jesus’ name, Amen

Don’t Let Them Take You Out

June 8, 2026June 8, 2026by 4letsgetrealtogetherLeave a Comment

Have you ever been so frustrated that you want to scream? Not a muffle it into a pillow one–I mean an out loud, full volume, no holds barred, elongated blood curdling scream that would likely elicit a concerned neighbor’s 911 call. I only remember doing this once in my life, and it was earlier this year (thankfully I wasn’t at my home because I let it out). Instead of unleashing another (unfortunately I am at home), I’m writing. Call me dramatic if you want, but that’s my current state. Let me paint this picture for you…

Hmmm, where shall I start? I missed the call last week (Tuesday) that Mama was headed to the ER because my phone died–as is blue screen of death followed by black where phone would not turn on. Made appt with Apple’s Genius Bar for next day (Wednesday afternoon). Wednesday morning, I found out about the ER visit when I opened email on my laptop, saw a dozen+ “My Chart” updates, and called my aunt to see what was going on. Mama was released with antibiotics for an UTI. I go to my Apple appointment, and after a couple hours of trying, end up having to buy a new phone (thank goodness I’d done a backup on my PC less than a month ago when I had to replace cracked screen on the now dead phone). Get home several hours later (we missed lunch dealing with all the aforementioned stuff) after having a nice dinner and “resetting,” try to restore new phone via backup, and no dice. Work through tech support via chat and phone, get a case number so Apple can reset my account, which will take approximately three days. Lovely, I am now the proud owner of an expensive dumb smart phone.

On Thursday, Mama goes back to the ER, this time she’s admitted…Friday afternoon. Mind you, I live 4+ hours away. After multiple text conversations with my aunties (aka her sisters), we decide IF she’ll call when the nurses and/or doctors are there, I could manage her care from here. You see, although Mama will tell you she “has all her nuggies,” she’s cognitively impaired…as in, documented by a medical professional, beyond the “normal” age-related memory decline. I have MPOA and advocate on her behalf because she does not have the capacity to do so. And she fights me–on this and so many things. So much so, I’ve had to reframe our relationship, which started with calling her “Mama.”

If you’re keeping up with this page, you may remember me saying my “Mom” died in January–this is to say, my mom-in-love (aka my hubby’s mom). You may think me cruel when I say my birth mother ceased to exist years ago. That’s the only way I can wrap my head around how she’s treated me for decades and still care for her, hence “Mama” was born and became my 30+ hour a week job. Back to the timeline…

The weekend is spent pouring over labs, scans, and anything else I can access trying to piece together for a plan that addresses Mama’s excruciating pain that has landed her in the ER twice in a two day period. No word back from Apple about my account, so I don’t have access to any of my contacts, calendar, and dagnabbit, I’ve now lost my Duolingo streak. The project that I need to work on requires info that Apple has hostage, and Mama is refusing to call me when any nurse and/or doctor visits. I couldn’t even phone a friend to vent because I’ve become that phone dependent (remember when we actually memorized numbers?!). Cut to today.

I get a call at 7am from Mama telling me “she’s still here,” and woke up crying because she’s in so much pain. I ask if she’d like me to come down and sit with her, “no thanks.” I remind her (as have both aunties) that I cannot help her if she won’t let me. Mama has been masking for a very long time, and in brief interactions, she seems “fine.” I’m faced, yet again, with the “should I stay or should I go now” (without the melodic tune) saga. FINALLY, a doctor stops by and Mama calls. I’m able to hear from the professional what’s being done and make my case for additional imaging (which order has been played and prayerfully will occur before discharge). Oh, did I also mention this is in between messaging/talking with Apple again after receiving recovery email, which still doesn’t unlock my expensive dumb smart phone and requires “further escalation” to the tune of another 24/28 hours?

I full well realize my phone issue is a first world problem. But Mama? That’s another animal. I’ve had people ask why I’m still involved and trying to help. “Boundaries,” they say. At the end of the day, “Mama” is still my mom–regardless of her diminished mental capacity and how desperately I try to separate the two. At my core, I know regardless of how frustratingly difficult this (she) is, I cannot simply walk away. I have to do what feels right within my own skin. Because when she does leave this Earth, I will have to live with the choices I’ve made. I’m not sure if that’s right or wrong. I just know that’s where I’m at…

There’s a Keith James song, “Not My Day,” that’s playing on repeat in my head. You should listen to it. I was stuck in the first 2/3 of the song which is focuses around all the things that make it “not my day.” Thinking it’ll make me feel better, I play it. Someone to commiserate with. First verse: yep, his day is pretty bad too. Bridge: peach!. Chorus: “Not My Day” SAMSIES. Second verse: more of his bad day, feel that too. Then the bridge again, only this time it hits a little different.

“If my luck doesn’t change
I’ll be out of my brain by tonight
When your head’s out of place
You’re behind in the race of life”
Keith James, “Not my day,” KHS 2013

Read those last two lines again. Now here’s the third verse…

“Oh oh oh
What you treasure is who you are
Go and get it
Oh oh oh
If it starts to fall apart
Give it all you got ’cause
Folks will hurt, and down your worth
Don’t let them take you out”
Keith James, “Not my day,” KHS 2013

Then the final chorus changes from “not my day” to “maybe it’s just not their day.” Throwing in “won’t let them hold me down” before returning to the familiar song title, “No My Day” chorus at the end. Huh…somehow I missed that last 1/3 in the version playing in my head. Don’t let them. I control the narrative. I can choose whether I’ll continue to spiral. I will treasure and prioritize my own peace.

My aunties and I joked that even Jesus has stepped away shaking His head at this whole Mama situation. Obviously not, we all know better than that. It did bring levity to the situation, which was the whole point. So, now that I’ve written, revised, stewed about whether or not to share this over the last few hours, I’m posting for you.

You, my friend, who has an aging parent you are now trying to shepherd.

You, my friend, who has a loved one with an impairment.

You, my friend, who is grieving the loss of relationship.

You, my friend, who is just having a hard day.

You, my friend.

Don’t let them take you out. *hugs*

You Deserve It

May 25, 2026by 4letsgetrealtogether1 Comment

The words fell out before the thought had fully fleshed itself: “I think I’m afraid to write.” Or maybe I couldn’t contain them any longer? Laden with a weight I hadn’t realized was there. Surprised, he looked up and ask “what do you mean?” I blinked as I tried to carve the lump out of my throat, an unpleasant remnant of what I’d just spilled out. Since I hadn’t realized that’s where my heart and mind had taken residence, I shook my head bewildered. “I don’t know. I’m not sure how to explain it.” It’s been several weeks since then and I’m just now able to dissect it…

My family and I have had a lot of “stuff” in the last ten years. (My God, has it really been ten years?) There comes a point, at least for me, where the sheer cumulative effect of it all becomes difficult to believe. All that can’t have happened, can’t be true, can’t happen to one person/family. And yet, it did. Thankfully, things eventually leveled out, we picked up our new normals and moved on. That’s gotta be the end of it, right?

There’s a saying: you’re either going through a trial, coming out of one, or heading into one. It’s foundation is Biblical. Jesus said: “Here on Earth you will have many trials and sorrows” (John 16:33 NLT). A side pain free escape door does not exist. Flash forward to this past January, and here begins the next chapter of disbelief…

She was having a “routine,” out patient surgery. Over half a million are performed in the United States every year. It was Friday morning, then late Monday afternoon, she was gone. We’d moved four hours away, so when we got the “you need to come now, I’m not sure she’s going to make it” call, guilt immediately swept in. You can “should” all over yourself, but in these situations, all it does is create a mess. We hadn’t been in the car more than 30 minutes when we got the second call: Mom was gone.

My husband and I drove for quite a while in silence. I was behind the wheel, but I have no recollection of how we got to the hospital. The staff was kind enough to “give her the room” until we arrived. I mostly remember feeling numb. Seeing her pale complexion, fragile body, and open mouth reminded me of my daddy, who looked similar when he passed. He’d battled cancer for a few years, so I was ready for it. She should still be here.

Five days later, we’re still in town, and my mom calls saying she needs to go to the ER. This might be a bit confusing—let me explain. Mary, my mom in love I introduced her as, died that Monday. While she did not birth me, she had nurtured and treated me like her own flesh for decades. I thought of her as Mom—our relationship that close. And here comes the sticky part: she’d treated me more like her daughter than my own mom—our relationship has been rocky for decades, which I won’t go into here.

This, in part, is why I’m afraid to write. “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs” (1 Corinthians 13:4-5 NIV). Love is also HARD! I have been wrapped up in these conflicted feelings: how do I honor my mother and father while no longer feeling “owned” by them? How can I honor my own feelings while still being respectful to them? I say them because even though my daddy left us five years ago, my mom is still here—doing unto one vicariously does unto the other, and I mean no malace to either.

There’s so much more to this “story.” Aging parents, navigating the death of one, the copious amounts of stuff (literally and figuratively) that goes with both…it is all too real, too personal, too much of me that I’m afraid to share. So why am I doing so now? Because I know I’m not the only one. Our stories may not be mirror images, but they’re likely oriented close enough to feel familiar. I will likely share more in the future. For now, I will pause my pain and be present. This I can say with certainty: we cannot simply turn off life’s toils. What we can do is attempt to hit “pause” long enough to catch our breath as to not get utterly consumed.

So in my REA/L moment with you today, as I put down my phone to focus on my man sitting beside me and pick my head up to enjoy watching the boats go by, I hope you too will come up for air. You are deserve it. #LetsGetREALTogether

Peace Be With You

November 21, 2024by 4letsgetrealtogetherLeave a Comment

Tis the season when family and friends gather. Food and drinks are shared. And the barrage of questions begin…How are you? What’s new? What’s next? What about…? The list goes on. The intent is meant well, a genuine interest in you. Meanwhile, the answers aren’t always easy and the questions can be uncomfortable.

When you’ve been through something traumatic, you might not want to relive it. Or maybe you’ve improved but aren’t out of the woods yet.

You’re clueless of “what’s next” and the thought scares you to death.

You don’t really have anything “new” going on, but you won’t want to seem ho hum (or worse boring).

The most common response to “how are you” is typically “fine,” which could be short for frustrated, insecure, neurotic, and emotional. Let’s face it—we’ve all faked a smile and said “fine” because it’s easier. Preparing for the holidays can sometimes feel overwhelming. Maybe nothing necessarily “bad” has happened, it can just all be exhausting…defensively causing your guard to go up.

Am I in a bad place? No. This is simply me thinking ahead and telling myself to read the room. Listen—attentively, giving the person in front of me my ears AND eyes. Sometimes we miss things when there’s background noise vying for our attention. I fondly remember talking with someone who made me feel incredibly special. Even though she was hosting the event, I felt like our conversation was in a beautiful snow globe. Magical—protected from everything else happening around us. Could I tell you what we talked about? No. But I can absolutely fondly remember that peaceful feeling.

So my friends, here’s my prayer for us as we enter “the most wonderful time of the year” (thank you Andy Williams). It comes straight from the Apostle Paul, who reminds us of God’s free and boundless grace. “May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope” (Romans 15:13 ESV). Kids believe in Santa. Let’s remain steadfast in believing we can not only find but bring peace wherever this season takes us.

It is Good

November 13, 2024November 13, 2024by 4letsgetrealtogetherLeave a Comment

Have you ever had an idea hit you so hard that you couldn’t ignore it? Itch that instantaneously grabs hold and grows, giving life to your skin, causing it to rise in goosebumps. Thought that ignites like a flash point and spreads like wildfire, to the point it simply cannot be ignored. *Insert raised hand * That was me this morning. Internally shouting loud enough that I skipped the Brooks and Dunn segment I’d been waiting for (don’t judge), I got up, grabbed my laptop, and now you are up to speed…

“On Wednesdays we wear pink” played in my head. Many of you, mean or not, might recognize this line from the now 20-year-old movie. Because I’m a sucker for alliterations, this quickly morphed into “on Wednesdays we write,” right alongside make the bed Monday (change bedding), towel Tuesday (wash towels), vacuum Thursday (ok not an alliteration but only other weekday that has a “U” because I don’t wanna do it over the weekend), finish it Friday (finalize any tasks/projects that may have taken over the house)…get the point? A mind trick that helps keep me on a schedule, while accomplishing something that needs to be done, and I use the word “needs” intentionally.

Society loves the saying and excitement generated when something is deemed an “overnight success;” however, all the behind-the-scenes work eventually comes out at some point. A man behind the curtain moment, if you will. From Genesis, we learn about creation. “In the beginning God created…” God got to work day one, and on that very first day, after speaking light into existence, “God saw that the light was good” (v 3). Three verses. There was nothing. God created (essentially turned “nothing” into “something”), looked at it, and recognized its value. Here’s the itch that sprang me to life.

How can I arrogantly expect something when I’ve done nothing? The very first five words in the Bible clearly show God worked. Let that sink in for a sec. Upon viewing His work, He knew it was good…because there was something to see. You can have the greatest of ideas, but without putting work into its inception, there is nothing. The world will never see or rejoice in your creativity. Work needs to be done, or it will remain forever formless in the recesses of your mind.

On Wednesdays we write. Today I am putting in the work. I see it in plain black and white, but oh the pops of colors are beginning to swirl! It is good. Thank you, Lord.

A Little Less Strange

August 14, 2024by 4letsgetrealtogetherLeave a Comment

I can feel them—hot, wet, unwanted. Having no idea where they came from—(lack of sleep? hellacious calamity of errors over the last 36 hours?)—I chalk them up to yet another thing I cannot control. “The seatbelt sign is on, please return to your seat with your seatbelt securely fastened.” We’ve hit a bumpy patch, less than ten minutes since the all clear, smooth skies ahead declaration. In my row 24 middle seat, I sit in my customized version of Alanis Morriset’s “Ironic.”

I’m on my way home from a two plus week whirlwind tour of Italy and the Mediterranean coast, watching “Under the Tuscan Sun” on an airline I’ll not soon use again, and I can’t comprehend why I’m crying. Thankfully, not the ugly kind. Just the moderately concerned, sideways glances of “The Princess Diaries” window seat girl next to me kind. *sigh* Life is strange.

Here’s the part where I’d usually stop, because I’ve temporarily scratched enough of the writing itch to feel satisfied. At least that’s what I tell myself. It’s easier that way—leaving out the tender bits underneath. I think we all feel that way.

Smile for the camera. Post the color corrected pic. Put on a good show. No one wants to see raw pink skin that’s barely holding it together once the scab has been removed. It might bleed again at any moment, which is messy and unpleasant.

Why are we so desperate to seem put together when most of us are secretely falling apart? It’s definitely a learned trait. The crying toddler in row 23 is a prime example. He’s not happy, something is definitely off, and he is unabashedly letting everyone in the plane know it. The mother frantically tries to playcate him. “I know, I wanna cry too,” she says as he wails. People stare. This is “unacceptable” behavior and everyone knows it. Again I ask, why? Why is it socially frowned upon to show your unfiltered emotions?

Since I’m without internet, I cannot Google an appropriate Bible verse to refute this unnatural practice. Yes that is a transparent admission that I do not have every chapter/verse memorized. What I can do is recall the countless times I read the word “wailed.” Or multiple references to tearing one’s clothes off in despair. I believe these displays of emotion are captured in the Bible because they are real. Natural. And therefore not shameful.

So in my REA/L moment with you today, I’d like to humbly remind you that we are all a little raw beneath the surface, AND THAT’S OK. If we collectively try to treat each other with tenderness, our wounds might heal a little faster. If we tend to those brave enough to show their authentic self with compassion, there might be more sincerity. If we are willing the bear each other’s burdens, instead of burying them, life might feel a little less strange. Or at least less isolating. That’s my two cents anyway.

My seat back is up and tray table is stowed for landing. As we descend, I’m thankful for the “unpleasantries” of this flight. Ok that’s not entirely true. I’m thankful for His divine revelation and gift of these words. May they prove helpful in your journey today my friend.

Heavenly Strides

June 3, 2024June 3, 2024by 4letsgetrealtogether2 Comments

What do you call a writer who doesn’t write? Me. What do you call a Christian who isn’t disciplined in reading His word? Also me. Spending quiet time reading the Bible, feeling His grace and mercy when I do, empowers me to share…His goodness, His truths, His gentle hand in my life. It’s truly a simple formula.

A (Reading the Bible)

+ B (Reflecting on Him)

= C (Writing inspiration)

I KNOW THIS! And yet, I’m mystified when I go through a “dry spell.” I’ll think about writing. I’ll wonder what’s stopping me from writing. I’ll shame myself for not writing. But for whatever reason, I’ll waste more time on the above fruitless efforts, scroll, or play games on my phone and find myself still stuck in the same slump. Here’s one more stinger: I “proudly” have a 100 day streak on a language app because apparently that’s of higher priority in my feeble brain! How utterly ridiculous is that?!

Why am I confessing this to you? Exposing my vanity might give you enough pause to reflect on yours. If that’s offensive, stop reading here. Forgive me friends. You will totally miss the point of what I’m trying to share.

It’s infinitely easier to “busy” ourselves right out of meaningful work, or toil as the Bible references it. Both are four letter words, and we can logicize our way out of it’s profane presence. Labor is hard and often viewed as punishment. But laboring in vain? That’s ultimately more painful friends!

“Therefore, my beloved, be steadfast, immovable, always excelling in the work of the Lord, because you know that in the Lord your labor is not in vain.”
1 Corinthians 15:58 NRSV

Today, before starting this, I spent time in His word via the Bible app. Easy. Accessible. And in seven minutes, I navigated through the scripture of the day, guided reflection, and spent time with Him in prayer. Seven minutes y’all! That’s significantly less time than ANY of the aforementioned fruitless tasks! And what did it yield? Easing back into the familiar formula: A + B = C

I feel better about myself. I accomplished something meaningful. I found myself back on my purpose path. And as an added bonus, I started a NEW streak: 1 Daily Refresh. Day one is a great place to be friends! It’s a step in the right direction, away from my worrisome past.

The biggest irony of the day? I have the best image of our loving God chuckling as I share this. Here’s one of the verses from today’s guided prayer portion of the Bible app…

“And can any of you by worrying add a single hour to your span of life?”
Matthew 6:17 NRSV

So in my REA/L moment today with you sweet friends, instead of wasting time worrying, let’s commit to working our way back to Him. Be steadfast in the things that matter. Prioritize our streaks towards Heavenly strides.

Yes, My Love

August 8, 2023by 4letsgetrealtogether1 Comment

I haven’t shared anything REA/L in awhile…life has been a bit too unbelievably chaotic. Have there been blessings mixed in? Absolutely! Those joys have been the bulk of my posts this year. These are the things I want to have pop up in my memories. The unpleasantries, however, I’d prefer to erase…

Within our family of four, we’ve had six surgeries among us this year with one more on the horizon. The specialists, appointments, treatments, therapies, etc have dictated the bulk of our schedules. Out of necessity, we’ve collectively danced with more fluidity than ever before…typically it’s just one of us (mainly me) that assumes the patient role. This time it’s entirely different and not in a good way.

My surgeries were incredibly personal and deemed medically necessary for prevention. Cancer ravaged my father, and with my bizarre “ecosystem,” avoiding that horrific parasite bestowed the best option. I discovered in the minimal sharing of the “why” I had a double mastectomy was met with confusion. “So you didn’t have cancer?” No, I’d reply almost apologetically, I did not. While I am fortunate this is the case, my chapter of recuperation is still unfinished.

Two weeks after my surgeries, our youngest needed knee surgery from an injury. She is still working her way back to even—making fantastic progress might I add. Rehab is never easy, and she is diligently putting in the time required to return to the activities she loves. It’s laborious. There have been tears of frustration and pain. The “other side” drives her so this too will be in the rear view mirror.

About a month later, the “c” word entered our household. It was utterly out of the blue. There were no symptoms. He didn’t fit the risk profile. And yet…

“I’m so sorry,” he says when we get the results. Tells the kids the same thing. They both immediately respond with the obvious: “This is not your fault!” He unfortunately doesn’t readily accept this. In his mind, he is the caregiver. He is glue. It’s his “responsibility” to ensure everyone has what they need. His provider gene runs strong. This is unwelcomed and unfamiliar territory, for all of us. Less than two weeks after diagnosis, treatment begins, and here we remain, praying all this will totally eradicate his cancer.

Last month, our oldest had oral surgery to remove four impacted wisdom teeth. I think people trivialize this type of surgery, relegating it as “routine,” which is regrettable. There’s something wholly unnerving about being knocked out while having people inside your mouth, looking at the unrecognizable person in the mirror, and struggling to eat, drink or talk.

Welp, there it is—the life data dump of our last six months. It’s a lot. And yes, we are all intimately aware our family has already been through “a lot.” We cling tightly to each other, especially when one of us tries to retreat, because that’s how we are wired. Eventually someone will figure out “the fix,” even if the solution is simply space. This too shall pass is our mantra, which is only moderately easier to swallow when spoken within our four walls. The absolute truth that guides us daily is this: the Lord will see us through, as He has so graciously done countless times before. “There’s a blessing buried in it,” he says as we leave the infusion center today. Yes, my love, there always is.

WTH

April 4, 2023by 4letsgetrealtogether3 Comments

The music is intentionally louder than normal—something I can control, meant to drown out my thoughts. While I’m usually pretty good at wrangling them, today they are running wild. Lack of sleep further spurs their disobedience.

I am fully aware my behavior does not align with scripture and goes against 2 Corinthians 10:6 where we are called to “take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.” However today…today I am thick with emotion. While 1 Peter 5:7 bids me to “cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you,” I cannot. I desperately want to. It would be better for me if I would. My heart just doesn’t seem to remember these scriptures I’ve inscribed because it’s broken, and I feel numb. My lips profess “I’m fine,” but a more accurate statement is “I will be fine.”

Today, however, everything about me reads “NO!” Eyes down to avoid contact, AirPods indicate preoccupation, softly spoken minimal words imply conversation not welcome. I even told a friend “no thank you” when she called, could tell something was obviously off, and asked if I wanted to talk (which, for the record, I texted shortly afterwards and apologized if I seemed rude). Saying “NO” is something I can do, something I can control, especially when it feels like the rug has been pulled out from under me. I’m Alice, falling down the rabbit hole, clueless of how far it goes or what happens next.

Some might wonder, WTH?! Is she gonna spit it out or what? Again I say, no…or at least not yet. It’s too personal. Too close. And frankly, I’m too raw. In the midst of all these “too’s,” my heart cannot take another “this too shall pass.” I’m afraid one more might make me snap and say something awful that I don’t really mean.

So why in the world am I even writing this if I’m not going to share what’s going on? Because I don’t need to in order to ask for your prayers. My heart can only bear clinging to this singular scripture in its brokenness…

“And the Holy Spirit helps us in our weakness. For example, we don’t know what God wants us to pray for. But the Holy Spirit prays for us with groanings that cannot be expressed in words. And the Father who knows all hearts knows what the Spirit is saying, for the Spirit pleads for us believers in harmony with God’s own will.”
Romans 8:26-27 NLT

Thank you for listening. Hopefully, when you see me, you’ll understand my no thank you. Better yet, prayerfully I’ll no longer take up residence there.

Days Like This

March 31, 2023March 31, 2023by 4letsgetrealtogetherLeave a Comment

Our neighbor sends me a text saying she’s in our driveway but hasn’t heard from our kiddo that’s she’s come to pick up. (No wonder the dog is barking like crazy!) I’d just finished packing her lunch before taking her into school. Embarrassed, I go out the front door, apologizing since I’d obviously miscommunicated when I needed help.

Shortly afterwards, we hop in the vehicle and my phone rings. A familiar voice asks if I’m ok since I wasn’t there for my 8am appointment. Embarrassed, I repeatedly apologize as I quickly open my calendar and see the appointment right there in red for this morning. Missing appointments is just not something I do. When I hang up, hot tears flow as I shake my head. Damn. That makes two.

We get to school unscathed, and I move on to my next task: getting vehicle inspected. Of course the first place I go isn’t able to do it. I call the next place, nope guy isn’t there today (but he’ll be back Monday 🙄). Third place, yes we can help you…but it’ll be a bit of a wait (over an hour) because there are several cars already there. I’m in a time crunch, so this doesn’t work. As I hang up, I pass another potential place. I manage to swing into the parking lot of a connecting center, and thankfully I’m quickly able to complete my mission. Small victory—I’ll take it.

While getting the inspection, I get a text asking to confirm a different appoint for tomorrow. What?! I didn’t have that on my calendar…have I completely lost it?

I could go on, but I think you get the drift. I felt like I was smack in the middle of the book “Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day” and it was only 9:30am. My brain just wasn’t firing on all cylinders, and my eyes felt like a film was creeping over them, somewhat blurring my vision. Anyone else been there?

It’s days like this that make you want to crawl into bed and pull the covers overhead. Don’t want a “do over” because you’re not sure you’d do any better. sigh Days like this…not gonna lie, they suck.

Here’s where you might expect me to insert some sort of wisdom or scripture claiming inspiration in spite of the day’s disarray. I’m not. Why? Because on days like this, that might not prove especially fruitful. On days like this, you might just want to sit a bit in your feelings…and not only is that totally normal, it’s ok! You go ahead and feel the feels (I am). But do me a favor? Please don’t set up camp!

So this afternoon, I’m sending you air hugs and reminding you that you are not alone. Lemme know if you need a listening ear, without judgement, or a tissue while you cry. I am here, my vision is clearing, and I am almost done sitting in my “days like this” feelings. 🤗❤️🙌