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Stop Looking

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Stop Looking

When I experienced sudden, bizarre symptoms that took hold of my body three years ago, my friends and I joked that I was a “unicorn,” because no one had previously seen anything like me. Upon reflection, this analogy is deeply misleading. Unicorns, as you know, are mythical creatures and what I experienced was soberingly real. I went through nearly a year of frequent doctor visits, several IV treatments, speech therapy, physical therapy, and essentially relearned how to translate everything my brain wanted to do into physical action.

Flash forward to this past Sunday. I was outside moving firewood in preparation for our next cold snap when a large, hidden scorpion stung my thumb through the gloves I had on. I screamed, as the pain was instantaneous, and thankfully my husband immediately came to see what was wrong. Through sobs, I managed to get out what had occurred. He tended to my sting while trying to console me. After some time (a few minutes? several?), I told him my head felt heavy, and he helped me inside to bed.

When stung, scorpions release venom, containing a mix of toxins into its victim, affecting the nervous system. This is where it gets interesting. For whatever reason, my central nervous system has had multiple intermittent unexplained mini-episodes since “recovering” from my previous syndrome three years ago. Now, this scorpion sting caused most of my debilitating symptoms to return. Hoping they would simply resolve with rest, I spent the rest of the day in bed. Sadly, this was not the case, and my neurologist recommended we go to the ER.

My worst nightmare. Again. You see, I didn’t exactly “fit the mold” for an easy diagnosis previously. I didn’t check all the typical boxes for any one thing. Even after spending over a week in the hospital, I was discharged without a specific “name” for what ailed me. And I was afraid this bad dream was about to repeat itself. All because a stupid scorpion stung me.

Thankfully, I only spent three days in the hospital this time, but the result was the same. “We don’t know”….why my legs weren’t working properly…why my senses were off the chart…why my voice wasn’t audible and speech broken. So I left. In a wheelchair. No diagnosis. Again.

My friend recently gave me this solace: They were looking for a horse (common diagnosis). You are a zebra (out of the ordinary diagnosis).

Zebras are unique. Just like a fingerprint, no two are the same. There it is…a name! I am a zebra. I do not fit the common mold. For now, I am ok with that. I don’t need a specific scientific name to validate or define me. While it might make things easier to explain or help others understand, it doesn’t change where I am today.

My heart goes out to all those who are battling the unknown. Living with something that doesn’t quite fit neatly into a category. Experiencing the frustration of those who just don’t get it. Judged for OTHER’S belief that you are simply making it up. Isolated because no one knows what to say or do.

So in my REA/L moment with you today, I pray you would stop fruitlessly searching for an Earthly name to define you. Stop listening to the voices and opinions of those who are not helpful. Instead, focus on the one who uniquely created you.

Beautiful you.

Wonderful you.

You, who are made in His image.

No one on Earth knows exactly what He looks like and have never seen Him face to face but that doesn’t mean He doesn’t exist. There is only one name that truly matters: Child of the One True King. You are His beloved. You matter. You are loved. And THAT is what defines you. Stop looking for Earthly validation in a name that does not hold eternal weight. Live in His loving goodness, my zebra friends. This will bring healing to your body and make it well within your soul.

Promises

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Promises

“No, I don’t know where I’m goin’

But I sure know where I’ve been

Hanging on the promises in songs of yesterday…”

“Here I Go Again,” by Whitesnake

I crack up when these lyrics come to mind as I open the door to our sauna. The sauna I said I wanted. The sauna that has helped me in the past. The sauna I am now reluctantly using because I don’t want to need to use it.

After a chuckle over the bizarre mind soundtrack that played upon entering, I become especially aware of the cedar smell. It fills my nostrils as the hot air fills my lungs. This is good for me, I keep telling myself, but the five year old in me cries “but I don’t wanna…” It’s like the broccoli (or death trees my kiddos called them) on the plate that is repeatedly ignored in attempts to move into non-existence. Why a sauna, which is candidly an in-home luxury, can evoke such a visceral response, is beyond me. But there it is. Me, being real with you.

A recent post, detailing an acronym for ALONE, might have been misconstrued as loneliness. Like the all too prevalent #AloneTogether slogan ventures to soothe those actually quarantining. I am not lonely, rather feel alone in the middle of this. Another episode in “an unusual” condition that baffles most. It’s simply not an experience that can be easily explained or adequately conveyed.

A mystery to most, a reality for me.

“In school, you’re taught a lesson and then given a test. In life, your given a test that teaches you a lesson.”

Tom Bodett, author

Wow. You’d think after all I’ve been though, I’d have learned my “lesson” by now. Maybe you feel the same way. In your own life. In your own trials. “God, what are you trying to teach me? Why does this have to be so hard?”

“Sin has made us stupid, so that we can only learn the hard way.”

Peter Kreeft, Christian philosopher

Sin is what makes us suffer. Not God. Our God offers hope in the face of suffering. Often, it is only in adversity that we cry out to Him. We worry and then pray, thinking this is worship. Seems backward and selfish. But Jesus tells us,

“Don’t worry about what you will suffer. The devil will throw some of you into jail, and you will be tested and made to suffer… But if you are faithful until you die, I will reward you with a glorious life.”

Revelations 2:10 CEV

So here I go again, although not alone. Going down the only road I’ve ever known, which is unfortunately the hard way instead of easy street. But in the midst of it, I will sing songs of praise, even through the tears, carrying me through my days of pain, because that, my friends, is faith. Faith is believing without seeing the entire course mapped out. Faith is trusting with obedience, even when sin tempts us otherwise. Faith is receiving the grace He offers without grumbling about the process. Following, in faith, all the days of our lives, until that day when we are called home and given the ultimate prize. This is His promise. While it may not be easy, it certainly beats alternative, don’t you agree?

Enough

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Enough

This morning, I “happened to” call a friend out of the blue. Truthfully, I cannot even recall what the prompting was. We chatted, as if no time had passed since we’d last talked, and it just plain felt good. Normal. As we were hanging up, I made reflexive apologies for my accent and thanked my friend listening through my broken speech. She responded with, “yes I know you have an accent, but I just hear you.” Instant tears In that moment, I felt all the ridiculous insecurities about the voice that comes out of my mouth, which currently does not sound at all like “me,” melt away. Just like that.

To my friends who have had enough…

Feel they aren’t enough…

Think they aren’t (blank) enough…

I see you. And more importantly, El Roi does.

My prayer for you today is you see past the imperfection, deficit, or affliction that is weighing upon you. Blur it out through the lens of God’s filter. Apply as easily and readily as any go to media filter. Roll past it like the waves lap upon the shore—focused, purposeful, and swiftly. Change your position, literally. Pluck yourself from the rubble you feel has accumulated around, suffocating you. And hear me say these words to you:

YOU MATTER

You are enough. As is. Right now. This moment. Breathe that glorious truth in, then exhale the rest.

How can I say this truth with outright assertion? Because God tells us “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness” (2 Corinthians 12:9). So whatever you may think, feel, or see as weakness is actually just the opposite. It is in these spaces where God is strongest and declares you enough through His power. And that my friends, should be enough.

Alone

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Alone

I have a friend group that’s absolutely precious. I love them individually, and together, we are a force to be reckoned with for sure. We pray for each other, listen through the vents, and laugh…a lot. These ladies are such a blessing to me, and I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that if I called any one of them in an emergency, they would be there in the drop of a hat.

Why is it, then, that I still withhold certain things? If I know I am unequivocally loved and accepted completely, why do I feel it necessary to wrestle with worry when I can share with those who care? What makes some things okay to reveal and others too dicey, too close to home? How can I be held dearly and yet feel so alone?

Can you relate?

By now, if you’ve been following Let’s Get REAL Together for any length of time, you may have noticed my brain thinks in acronyms. Here’s one that slapped me in my face when I was in bed, experiencing another episode, and feeling very much ALONE.

All

Lifelines

Oftentimes

Neglected

Erroneously

In my head, I recognize I am NOT alone. But in my heart? It feels cavernous… empty… isolated. Alone.

Maybe it’s me, giving the devil a foothold in my mind.

Maybe it’s my pride, withholding when I feel weak.

Maybe it is what makes me so dependent on God.

He created Eve for Adam because it is not good to be alone (see Genesis 2:18). He gave us His Holy Spirit (see 1 John 4:13) to draw upon when we feel weak and/or afraid (see Joshua 1:9). He died for our sins (see John 3:16) so we have the opportunity to cast all our anxieties at His feet (see 1 Peter 5:7).

The list and scripture references are endless, as is His love for us. And this, my friends, is why we are neglectful and erroneous in our thinking we are ever alone. Yes, the feeling may feel very real. Yes, the feeling should absolutely be acknowledged. HOWEVER, we have to be mindful in what we hold as truth. Feeling alone is just that, a feeling. Period. Nothing more.

It is when we attempt to validate this feeling with false facts or omitting truths that we become negligent. I am guilty of it. More times than I’d like to admit. And if left unchecked, it can literally destroy you on a cellular level. The mind body connection is undeniably, scientifically proven. Which is why we must emphatically follow this scripture:

“We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.”

2 Corinthians 10:5 (NIV)

So the next time you feel alone, or scared, or overwhelmed, or insert whatever is counter to the fruit of His spirit (see Galatians 5:22-23), remember you ALWAYS have a lifeline to call upon. God is ALWAYS available, ALWAYS patient, and ALWAYS loves you. And yes, I am talking to myself in the mirror, while praying, my friend, you allow this to permeate you as well.

One Percent

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One Percent

It’s the beginning of a new month. We are more than halfway through this year. As I was on my walk this morning, I thought, “What have I accomplished, and how have I changed this year?” It gave me pause and reminded me of something I recently read. If you improve by 1% every day, within a year, you will have improved by 365%. Let that sink in a minute…

For the most part, I believe we all want to improve, in some way or aspect of our lives. Often, it’s centered around our health or appearance. While I fit into this category as well, hence the morning walk, I realized how exponentially that one percent could grow into a whole body transformation. And I’m not just referring to physical appearance.

Our kids started “school” last week. Because this looks much different than any other year, I picked up a devotional journal called “100 Days of Grace & Gratitude” by Shanna Noel. I knew I needed to take on the posture of grace and gratitude if I also wanted our kiddos to model it. The devotional read is maybe a couple minutes long, at best. There are scripture references as well, and I usually will find one that resonates. My journaling doesn’t always look the same, but since it’s my journal, the only “rules” that apply are my own. The entire “process” takes about five minutes, ten if I’m extremely creative in my journaling. Today was day seven of one hundred. Thinking back to the one percent notion, I’ve already improved sevenfold. I’ve positioned myself to incorporate, or at minimum meditate on, grace and gratitude seven times through this book, and I do believe it’s beginning to take root.

This emerging habit prompted me to put on a pair of tennis shoes and head outside for some exercise. The fresh air gave me the opportunity to clear my mind. With each recurring step, I felt my muscles engage. I released the competitive desire to maintain a minimum speed, focusing on consistent movement instead. By the end, I walked just shy of two and half miles, which was significantly farther than I originally thought I’d be able to comfortably go. I spent my time praying, praising, and mentally preparing myself for the rest of the day. In doing so, the distance didn’t seem nearly as long. I was grateful instead of spent.

Tomorrow, is day eight. I plan to make the five to ten minute investment in grace and gratitude again, knowing that it’s effects will be longer lasting. I plan to lace up my shoes and take another walk. I’m also thinking about what other “system” I might incorporate to improve how efficiently I manage our home. While normally this thought might feel overwhelming, I’m thinking differently. One small step. One percent.

I don’t know about you, but I like this one percent notion. Seems infinitely more “doable,” doesn’t it? And as I build upon this one percent, I am thankful for the grace it affords. I’m not trying to conquer climbing my mountain in a day, just one percent of it. Tomorrow, I can continue onto the next percent. Doable. One step at a time.

“But each one of us has received a gift of grace, just as Christ wanted us to have it.”

Ephesians 4:7 NIRV

I’ve begun unwrapping His gift of grace, one fold at a time. And with each revelation, another awaits. Unlimited in His generosity. Goodness. Because that’s His nature. For which, I am incredibly grateful.

Different isn’t Worse

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Different isn’t Worse

Everyone loves an accent, especially a British or South African one. Longer vowels, truncated consonants. Mysterious in nature. Different cadence. Soothing, some might say.

I, however, do not hold this affinity. Unfortunately, I slip entirely too easily, unbeknownst to me, into this accent. Foreign Accent Syndrome. It is one of several inexplicable symptoms that I still sometimes experience…one year later.

It’s infuriating.

It’s humiliating.

It’s exhausting.

The accent, the delayed speech, the difficulty walking, the inability to translate what’s inside my head out to the rest of my body, the hyper sensitivity, the pain.

I ABSOLUTELY HATE IT!

And yet, in spite of it all, I am incredibly grateful. To be here. One year later. “Recovered.”

8/21/19 is my well date. I woke up that morning without any of the afore mentioned symptoms. Peculiar. Unimaginable. Remarkable. My husband couldn’t believe it. My neurologist couldn’t explain it. My friends couldn’t comprehend it.

I’d struggled eleven months. Endured speech therapy. In home therapy. Physical therapy. And then, literally overnight, I was well.

Against all odds, my “mysterious” illness left me. I was given back my life…well, sort of. Most days. It’s decidedly different now. But different isn’t worse.

I’m honestly not sure how to describe it, other than a gift. Though I knew with absolute certainty God would guide me through unwell, and back to health, I wasn’t sure what that looked like. How it would feel.

Employing sheer audacious tenacity, and copious prayer, I navigated my new normal. Return to normal? Different normal? Would this last longer than a glow stick? Or would I relapse, defaulting back to a reduced capacity? Didn’t matter. I was more “normal” than I had felt or sounded in what felt like forever.

“The Lord is my strength and my shield. My heart trusted him, so I received help. My heart is triumphant; I give thanks to Him with my song.”

Psalm 28:7 GW

And, oh how I sang! I distinctly remember joyous tears cascading down as I caught myself singing one of my favorite worship songs. Something I was utterly incapable of doing for those eleven months.

Save a small handful, you will never fully comprehend the roller coaster this has been; however, it may give you a glimpse into the unseen complexity of another’s life. We are all gloriously different. Life would be entirely mundane if we weren’t.

So today, one year later, I’ve decided to accept my difference. My new normal. It certainly beats continuing to futilely fight it. And because I’ve finally come to the conclusion, different isn’t worse. Different is simply different. By His divine design. Who am I to argue?

Just in Case

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Just in Case

My dad used to always say, “it’s better to have it and not need it, instead of need it and not have it.” Usually, this was in reference to having a coat, umbrella, or roll of quarters tucked away “just in case.” A version of the old Boy Scout “be prepared” motto. And it has served me well, on many occasions. But there are certain things, events, or circumstances in life that you cannot ever really prepare for…

A loved one suddenly passing.

A debilitating injury.

An auto accident.

Unemployment.

A pandemic.

Loss of self.

2020.

In any of these, even the most prepared Eagle Scout would be left dumbfounded. How do you proceed? What’s the next step? Where do you go from here? Why did this happen? Who will you be if you survive this? (The hardest question of all.)

It isn’t until you are thrown into the unpredictable that you become supernaturally armed with the strength for surviving the unknown…you just don’t realize it until after you actually get through it. Onto the other side. Where the pain has dulled enough for you to truly breath again. Friends, if you find yourself in one of those difficult situations, where no amount of “just in case” planning is helpful, you can always turn to your just in time God.

Now I know what you are thinking, “oh boy, here she goes goes again! I wonder what scripture, what Biblical nugget of wisdom this chick thinks she’s gonna pull out to ‘make it all better.’” I gotta admit, I actually smirked a little as I wrote that…because I’ve been there. I’ve had the same thought. Probably even put on my best earnest face while I listened. But as soon as the advice was presented, it was as if I’d been transported into Charlie Brown’s classroom. All I heard was “wah wah wah wah.”

We usually don’t want scripture OR wisdom in those seemingly most desperate of circumstances. We want Morpheous’ blue pill, returning us back to the way things were, blissfully ignorant. The quick, painless fix. Because if God were truly real, He wouldn’t have allow this to happen (right?). Period. The end.

NOT “God doesn’t give us more than we can handle.” NOT “God turns all things into good.” NOT “God’s plans are always best.” While all of these are absolutely true, NONE of them are helpful when you feel as though you are all alone, drowning in the middle of an ocean during a Cat 5 hurricane.

But here’s the thing, sometimes, in the worst of times, what we really need is God to send someone to just listen. Someone to silently sit with us. Someone to hold our hand. Someone to say “I’m sorry.” Someone to allow us cry, scream, cuss…whatever!

I pray you have that “someone” in your life. And if your arms are burning right now from treading water while trying to think who that “someone” could be, it would be my privilege to be your “just in case” safe place. That’s my Let’s Get REAL Together mission. That’s why God has watched over me through the unfathomable, so I could be here with you today…just in case.

Imbalance

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Imbalance

im·bal·ance

/imˈbaləns/

noun: “lack of proportion or relation between corresponding things”

A state of being where all the right components are present, but the ratio is off…too much or not enough of one thing, causing the inverse of another.

Let me give you a different example. Suppose you have the new Ferrari Portofino. By all accounts, this is a beautiful, finely tuned machine, made for the road. But what if that road was a mind field of loose asphalt, riddled with mammoth potholes and super-sized speed bumps every 100 feet? Not necessarily “ideal” and definitely an imbalance in car to road performance ratio, don’t you think?

Here I lie, imbalanced. Mind working at warp speed, body unable to translate. Somehow, there was a shift, and I missed it. Or maybe I just wasn’t paying attention? Regardless, I thought I had gotten myself back in balance, ready to conquer the world, running on all cylinders. Maybe that’s my issue…I returned to old unhealthy habits.

One thing I have learned through the roller coaster of my last few years is this: it’s so easy to unknowingly exist in a state of imbalance…until the scale becomes completely unbalanced, and you come crashing down. Or is this just how it works for me? I have a feeling, though, that I’m not alone in this arena.

Balance, in this world, especially with our current combative climate, through this crazy pandemic, might seem unobtainable. But as I lie here, it comes to me in a moment of clarity…I not only lack balance, I’m completely missing my foundation! I’ve stopped seeking Him first. Traditional worship has been removed. I’ve become haphazard in my prayer life.

Do I think God caused our current less than desirable condition? Absolutely not! Do I believe our lack of priorities has resulted in an imbalance? Absolutely! A little more Netflix (Prime, YouTube, social media, pick your poison) and a little less God is a recipe for disaster, in any climate…but particularly one as tumultuous as our present position.

You see, the difference between imbalance and in balance is this: a little less of one thing (shave a portion off the ‘m’) and a little more space added in front of balance (so it has room to breathe). And what we breathe (ie take in) is equally important. Scrolling through all the latest negative commentary on a school district parent group, drinking and eating whatever whenever, or binge watching mindless TV/videos/TikToks does NOT lead you down the path towards balance (madness is more likely).

I think in our toilet paper hoarding mindset, we have almost completely lost sight of what Italians call “quanto basta” (just enough). We don’t have definitive answers in so many areas of our lives that we grasp at whatever we can get our hands on. And in our desperate attempt to get a handle on things, instead of getting “just enough,” we are drowning ourselves in garbage. Eating garbage. Watching garbage. Buying tons of garbage. Making ourselves feel like garbage.

“Dear friends, you already know these things. So be on your guard not to be carried away by the deception of people who have no principles. Then you won’t fall from your firm position. But grow in the good grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. Glory belongs to him now and for that eternal day! Amen.”

2 Peter 3:17-18 GW

We must return to longing, seeking, searching, worshipping and praising what will last far beyond anything this temporal world offers. We must beware the siren song of imbalance that beacons us away from being in balance. We must master what matters—pursuing what’s best. Him.

Don’t Stop

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Don’t Stop

We have so many influences in our lives.

A multitude of voices that vie for attention.

Naysayers to knock you down.

Cheerleaders to pump you up.

All clamoring, screaming, crying for you to listen.

Do THIS.

Don’t do THAT.

Go HERE.

Stay away from THERE.

STOP!

The gift in all this? Choice!

Recently, we’ve been watching episodes of AGT (America’s Got Talent). It’s amazing! All the stories of hope, perseverance, and dreams that evoke incredible raw emotion…

A 73 year old woman who started body building at age 59. A former Olympic runner turned singer after a tragic accident. An 15 year old who auditioned, in part, to honor her sister’s wish to see her on a big stage before she goes blind. Inspirational. Unbelievable. Magical.

Why?

Because they didn’t stop. Didn’t matter what life threw at them. Didn’t derail them from moving forward. Didn’t allow the agenda of others to dictate how they should act, feel, or whether they should continue.

THEY CHOSE NOT TO STOP.

That’s when we fail…when we stop.

“Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love Him.”

James 1:12

Trails are trials. And like Depeche Mode sings, “People are People.” Failure, however, is not final. It is not the end. It does not define you. It refines you, if you address it in its positive form, acquiesce to its potential…for more.

Another opportunity.

Different avenue.

Alternate course.

“And I am sure of this, that He who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.”

Philippians 1:6

Pursue your passion. Dive into your dream. Work. Hone. Practice. Allow our Perfector the privilege to hold His rightful duty as judiciary over your life. Until that final moment, my friends, DON’T STOP! You only fail when you stop. Be faithful in the daily, and the Lord will reward you with eternity.

Plan to Wait

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Plan to Wait

No one “plans to wait.” We plan to go. We plan to do. We plan to succeed. “Wait” seems to utterly wasteful, counterintuitive to our need for immediacy.

This pandemic has brought many of us into a season of “wait and see.” Will we be able to keep our travel plans this summer? Wait and see. Will we be able to send our kids to school in the fall? Wait and see. Will we be able to return to our former “normal” lives? Wait and see.

“But if we hope for what we do not see, with perseverance we wait eagerly for it.”

Romans 8:25

Eagerly wait? Who does that? Those who believe the best is yet to come. Those who seek growth beyond what this Earth can offer. Those who expect He will honor our wait.

“But as for me, I will watch expectantly for the Lord;

I will wait for the God of my salvation. My God will hear me.”

Micah 7:7

“My soul, wait in silence for God only,

For my hope is from Him.”

Psalm 62:5

“Yet those who wait for the Lord

Will gain new strength;

They will mount up with wings like eagles,

They will run and not get tired,

They will walk and not become weary.”

Isaiah 40:31

I want to gain new strength, to rise above, to grow my faith. In order to do so, I must wait. Silently, though my thoughts scream. Expectantly, though my anxiety fights for control. Patiently, though my body is restless.

I must plan to wait…because it allows peace to permeate. His plans are infinitely better than anything I can come up with on my own. And in my plan to wait, I put my trust where it belongs…in His hands.