Too Thin

I am in a state of “too.” Too much stress from too many things going awry too frequently to handle this two seconds leaving me entirely too tired to keep my emotions in check. I feel like a two year old on the brink of a total meltdown: screaming, crying, both. I cannot find a light at the end of this weighty two ton tunnel. The load is oppressively crushing.

“Relax,” he says. “It’ll be ok—everything is fixable.” Fixable? Yes, deep within the recesses I can fundamentally accept this; however, there’s not enough surface tension to hold this truth. I am done…too “too.”

Have you been there? I have a frequent flier card for this place that I wish I could shred. Each visit more unpleasant than the last. Some might say, “It’s just ‘x’ you should ‘y.’” Here’s the thing: the value of my variables might very well be significantly different from the ones in your equation. I know full well that we all have “stuff,” and that it’s perfectly normal. What’s conflicting is my “stuff” never seems to fit into a “normal” box, and it keeps happening all too often, leaving me worn thin. It is in these threadbare moments, when I pray with open hands upon my knees, where I do not possess the words to proclaim or confess any conviction, that He meets me most intimately.

There is no masking my vulnerability. No explanation required. A seemlessly simple shift of my “I can’t…too much” situation to the One who is infinitely able takes delicate unraveling as I’m horrifically knotted, which has absolutely nothing to do with His capability and everything my reticence. Again I ask, have you been there?

“We know that everything God made has been waiting until now in pain, like a woman ready to give birth. Not only the world, but we also have been waiting with pain inside us. We have the Spirit as the first part of God’s promise. So we are waiting for God to finish making us His own children. I mean we are waiting for our bodies to be made free. We were saved, and we have this hope. If we see what we are waiting for, then that is not really hope. People do not hope for something they already have. But we are hoping for something that we do not have yet. We are waiting for it patiently.”

Romans 8:22-25 ICB

Waiting in pain (v 22). Waiting with pain…waiting…waiting (v 23). Saved…hope…waiting (v 24). Waiting again (v 25) then “PATIENTLY.” That’s the excruciating part! You see, the conversion is straightforward. We release and He removes, exchanging the pain for something far greater. It’s the patience in the waiting that’s difficult. Coming to grips with the fact that everyone else is also in some form of pain. We are not the only ones onboard the “waiting” boat. While our specific circumstance likely varies from another’s, we—the collective WE—are more than equipped to wait (through the power of His Holy Spirit). The tricky part is HOW we decide to do it. We know the correct answer: patiently; however, the process can be painfully elusive.

This brings me full circle to the “too thin” concept. We have sufficient means to “wait,” what we lack is a reasonable plan of how we should navigate the journey. Patience grants us access to a smoother cruise controlled lane—all that is required is removal of the desire to manage the speed.

So as I sit constrained in this uncomfortable place, wrecklessly driving myself down the wrong path, I must relinquish authority over the wheel and the gas peddle. Once freed from this burden, I still might not feel His skillful hand covering mine, but it does not mean He isn’t there. He is simply waiting patiently for me to let go of my binding “too thin” belt so I can finally relax…and receive enough.